I have been feeling a bit off and I don’t know why. Its a weird feeling, nothing is wrong but I am a little blue. Yesterdays blog post was some mediocre shit and I hate it. I had it all figure out in my mind, the presentation, structure, flow and all but that undefined emotion was so overwhelming I just typed absent minded and hit publish. I am not going to take it down, I want to stare at this below average blog and realize I don’t have to be awesome all the time. Mostly I want to come here and rant about this country but I am beginning to sound monotonous . I have been trashing this country forever and I honestly sound like a Debby downer. I don’t want that kind of energy on my blog.
So today I will be flowing promptly with a train of thoughts. Riley discovered sugar today, she is like a Duracell bunny, from sugar high. I love her. I have been thinking about the type of people that I surround myself with and I came to a sad epiphany, none of them really gives a damn about me. I have been off the rail and trying to find myself and I found nothing. Maybe that is why I am feeling out of the weather and not inspired to blow you with my literary linguistic prowess. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have much time here, a strong sense of imminent death. No I am not suicidal, don’t check up on me, I am just saying. Like Hades is lurking. I do not know why I am writing all this to be honest, this is the strangest shit ever.
I am not myself I admit, but I don’t have to be the rogue version all the time, I owe you none of that. I have been out of deodorant for a week and I finally bought one yesterday upon discovering that it had been a week. So unlike me. I am zoning out, as if my spirit is slowly seeping out. I can’t believe I trashed the Blank Panther movie on my Friday blog post. Really out of character. I have a wonderful son though, Malik. Such a passionate little boy. He got that from me. Sometimes I am so naive its actually stupid. Like I believe in a world filled with good intentions, love and happiness. That is unrealistic because people hate seeing an awesome person being awesome. Everybody around me is agro and negative. I am a threat to the world. My very existence makes them uncomfortable.
I am making a decision today. I AM IN CONTROL. I am the author of my my destiny and not of these leprechauns around me. I have made some mistakes and I have learnt from my idiocy. I am an idiot. BUT a renowned one with a delectable foresight for repentance. I am also toxic, I can easily cut people off and pretend they are dead without batting an eyelid. I don’t like difficult situations or confrontations so I prefer to cut off or ignore them entirely. The hallmark of good writing is language variation, I don’t particularly feel like being a good writer to day. I am here, venting. I laugh and smile a lot. I do that to hide a lot of internalized shit. Maybe I am broken, I hope this mood will be gone by lunch time so I can be myself again. I hope I didn’t ruin your mood with all this luggage. I am out.
PS. I am aware of the fact that the featured image is pixilated. Don’t be an imbecile by squinting your eyes because it doesn’t get an clearer than that. You suck.