5 Hacks to Survive in Zimbabwe

It has come to radical measures of survival in this bucolic little teapot shaped country. Seeing that our country has become a desolate three-ring circus of stiff living conditions due to political and economical instability doubled with decades of pillaging. Life is edging towards abject pauperism. Being a Zimbabwean is like surviving in the Gaza Strip, if you do not duck in time, you will catch a bullet. To be on top of the situation I thought about some survival hacks, so shall we?

 

  1. Skip the Country. Listen if you have the opportunity to leave the country, take it and go! There is nothing here, I know its home and all that soppy stuff  but you have no business trying to weigh out living and survival. Is it really worth it, is patriotism enough to pay the bills and afford you a decent life? We really never catch a break and its like a parallel dimension of Gehenna: a never ending torment and anguish. I am trying to think of a time when we could say this country used to have it good and there is none. Sometimes my grandparents tell me stories of how Zimbabwe used to have house delivery services for milk every morning. You would wake up with a bottle of milk and newspaper on your door step. A milkman in this country honestly sounds like a myth, contrary to the fact that milk is becoming a luxury product. Tea with milk is the next boujie thing and before you know it, we just throw the leaves and drink the damn liquid. A few years later its just water because the tea leaves are now for the rich and elite. A year later you can not even drink water, we are over here swallowing spit until the thirst goes away. You see where I am getting at? Leave.

2.  Stay away from the Bank. Well you could stay away from the bank if you don’t want to suffer acute angina from the rate your funds deplete in the account. I am telling you banking in this country is a fraud! Imagine its 2015, you transfer your hard US dollars into a Zimbabwean bank account. All of a sudden you can no longer make withdrawals. Then the bond note is introduced and that account which had US dollars is now RTGS at 3:1 to the US dollar as if the the initial deposit was not in US dollars! My head is reeling. Do you remember in 2008 how money inflated in the banks overnight? One morning all the money in our bank accounts was as useless as monopoly money. How can you trust such a system? I don’t know any other legit and safer way I am not going to advise you to put your money under the mattress seeing that break-ins are peak. Then the Nostro Forex accounts? Laughable, because you can access YOUR funds before a certain period of time and you have to actually apply to withdraw your money worse book an amount! The bank will then deliberate then advise you on a withdrawal future date. If your life is depending on that money, this process will inspire imminent death!

3. Solar Energy and LP Gas are your Friends. Electricity, what is electricity? Who is electricity, what is of this thing that rhymes with ethnicity?Right because there are better chances of big foot’s existence than electricity in this country. Solar power is the the most cost effective and reliable form of energy on this Savannah plain. So I would suggest you invest in solar panel and go organic. Gas  is getting expensive by the day but it sure holds you down, better than our infamous ZESA erratic load shedding. 

4. Lets Go Traditional. I am talking about food. Listen who told you that bread and eggs are supposed to be a breakfast meal? European nuance. Lets do things our way and usually our way is cheaper for example sweet potatoes for breakfast doesn’t dent the bank account as much as our acquainted breakfast. In this economy, mushroom kinda tastes like meat, I mean meat is overrated we can substitute it with some shrooms hey, what the hell, lets go vegan! hahahah, I would never go vegan if they paid me, So refer back to number 1.

5. I was about to write cheap alcohol and narcotics but man, go and pray for this country because that is all we got. Hope and pray. The bible says all things work together for good to those who love God. Do you love God? Well there you go. I don’t  know if these are hacks because this is the most painstaking blog I have written. I am beginning to think it was not such a brilliant idea on my part. I am going to publish it anyway so there is that! Until next time. I am out.

 

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