Motherhood is cray, I am telling you it is the craziest thing to ever happen to a woman. How we remain sane in the midst of it all is a prodigy. There is no guideline to being a mother, human beings drop from your vagina and you just wing it. Sometimes you feel like you gave birth to the Devil’s spawns and the only reason for existence is to trample on your dreams. Sometimes you look at your kids and beam at how you actually birthed little angels. A little turbulence but at the end of the day, you are prepared to hack and saw anything that may harm your kids. Motherhood is fueled by fierce love and strapped by several glasses of wine hahaha. So today I compiled 10 crazy motherhood moments and I am sure mommies can relate to most of them. Here we go..
1. The Paranoid Mum. This mum is driven by a paranoia for the safety of her child. This is the kind of mom that checks every five minutes if her sleeping baby is still breathing. (It is me, I did this for both Malik and Riley. Don’t you dare judge me). This kind of mom is consumed by a nearly psychotic obsession for her child’s safety. You don’t mess with this kind of mommy bear, she will have her toddler wear a helmet at the park, she will fly over furniture in time to catch her toddler from falling on her bum bums. The house is 100% childproof, if possible she would keep her baby in a padded room. The paranoia fades with time, believe me. I am talking from experience and it is usually prevalent in first-time mommies.
2. Breast-milk Splay. Woo, the breast-milk splay is crazy! African mothers can attest to this because we have the privilege to whip out the breast anytime. So when you pull out the boob, milk has a tendency of spraying out within a foot radius. I went out to eat with friends, Malik was about 8 months old. He became fussy so I pulled the breast from the feeding bra and milk splayed across the table into people’s food, arms, and face. Man, that milk came out at 10mm/sec like a sprinkler and my friends were screaming like it was dog poo like hey, breast milk is the best!. Cleans out the eye a bit, add some nutrients in your plates also good for your skin so say thank you.
3. Bathroom Break-downs. Locking your self in the bathroom and cry mad ugly is a thing for mommies. Things can be so overwhelming, between sleepless nights, incessant crying baby, fatigue, and a strong sense of failure as a mom it can get emotionally consuming. So the bathroom is usually preferred solace to cry hard and just let it all out. Absolutely healthy and I recommend it for all moms to just blow it all out. Works better than therapy, after a bathroom breakdown you feel invigorated and ready to take on mommy-hood with renewed determination. The bathroom is a perfect place for breakdowns because you can stare at yourself in the mirror while you sob dementedly, fold your self in the bathtub, do an old school R n’ B cry in the shower and my favorite, on the toilet seat pooping and crying. Classical presentation of letting it ALL out. I said no judgment here.
4. Mud Slide. This is some ape shit mommy moment that I never wish upon anyone. It is when a baby has a runny tummy and poo seeps from diaper up her back to her hair or over her belly and chest. It is a mess! Just take the whole baby straight into the bathtub!
5. Golden Waterfall. Wacky moment with baby boys, during diaper change they tend to point the gun accurately at your face and in comes the warm golden putrid liquid. Urine. It hits your face then gracefully falls down your mouth and chin creating the infamous golden waterfall. Ugh, the joys of motherhood.
6. Checking Out Adoption Sites. This occurs during toddler-hood, I swear toddlers are little terrorists brought in to the world to drive you crazy! I have two toddlers under one roof, now trying to get Riley from putting her head in the toilet pot and Malik hanging from the ceiling fan. I have found myself in a crazy mommy moment and googling for celebrities who would want to adopt African children. *nervous chuckle* Please don’t call social welfare, I love my kids to bits. I really do.
7. Finger Dip. I have done it twice, thrice maybe four times, oh bite me. You aren’t really sure if your baby has pooped so you dip your finger in her diaper and it comes out beautifully coated with thick mushy poo. A whale of a time. A whale of a time.
8. Catching Poop with Bare hands. During potty training, the little one might fail to make it on time, she has underwear on the floor and you know mommy has to save the day so you dive in like a baseball catcher just in the nick of time to catch poo before it lands on the floor. Extreme sports. I know all you mommies have scooped poop from bathwater, stop looking at me like I am crazy, hahaha. Okay.
9. Hiding From your Kids. Sometimes I hide from my kids, just to have 5 minutes, 5 minutes to myself. I can’t even poop in peace without Malik banging the toilet door wanting to hold my hand while I poop, and somehow Riley has to sit on my lap while I am trying to watch my favorite TV Show. So yeah, I hide from the little monsters. Sometimes. Ahem.
10. Secret Mommy Snack Stash. I have my own stash of snacks that I eat alone by myself, in the middle of the night, in a dark corner. Aye, I am not a troll but I would love to enjoy my favorite snacks without sharing with them spawns all the time! I can chew without some little terrorist trying to pry open my mouth with fat pudgy little fingers. So yeah. Cuckoo, whatever.
Hey, motherhood is fun and I love it but sometimes, sometimes you question yourself and these little crazy moments smashed up together make motherhood a real adventure. Watching your kids grow and develop their own little personalities is the most beautiful thing to experience. Today go hug your mommy, they are queens that we should cherish forever. Do not forget to share your crazy mommy moments in the comments section. Let us laugh together.