The Shitty Teapot Shaped Country

I am feeling very roguish today so allow me to go on a tangent about how I am failing to cope financially in this country. Has your bank card ever been declined at a point of sale? So you stand there having a really awkward staredown with the cashier? While other customers standing in the queue behind you suddenly develop a hybrid respiratory system, you can literally hear them sigh from 100km away? Have you ever wondered why they made the ATM interface unnecessarily huge? In the depth of despair as the gigantic words taunt you, ‘YOU HAVE INSUFFICIENT FUNDS’, what font size is that? Juggernaut font size? Is this supposed to be a fucking billboard? Where is my privacy? The epitome of rude is when the ATM spits out your bank card like it has an acute case of Chlamydia. So I get in the banking hall with the fury of the Rogue Star ready to launch world war IV, upon the unsuspecting customer care personnel. WHERE IS MY MONEY? WHAT HAPPENED TO IT? I curse you customer care with your frozen fake smiles. ‘Sorry Ma’am, but when you upgraded from your current account to the Forex account, a deduction of $45 was made and an additional $20 for the gold card’. With that fake frozen smile that makes me want to knock her teeth out. How can anyone have such composure while stealing from the struggling citizens of Zimbabwe? I read the application form ma’am with the fraudulent Brazilian hair; I was supposed to incur $20 worth of charges, not $68? These are American dollars; this is not a matter to be handled lightly. I didn’t hear the rest of it as the only thing I could hear was my blood boiling. Something about an email with the revised rates bla bla bla cripty crap crap.
So I rummage through my purse and get $2 bond coins, well that won’t stop me from getting yogurt for my caramel drops Malik and Riley. A minute later I am standing by Groom-bridge Spar, staring at the refrigerator with yogurts. I can’t seem to pick my jaw from the floor because, will you look at that?! A small tub of yogurt is now $1.80 from last week which was $0.60? I ask one of the shop attendants if this is the correct price, pretty sure this must have been a grave error made by a sloppy nonchalant employee. So there I was, stunned walking out of the shop with two tiny packets of knickknacks. I am thinking, what the hell is happening in this country? My money is either disappearing or suddenly, it is not enough for the basics that I used to easily afford. I am going through my Twitter feed and I read a tweet about hyperinflation at 500%. I am not sure if I am having a brain aneurysm. I want to laugh and cry at the same time but mostly deep myself in butter and slither on my kitchen floor while I cry hysterically.
This country has brought me to my knees. This blog is apolitical, so I am not here to unearth any political systems and structures. I am simply saying this country is melting resin on Satan’s ass. If this is the capitalist ruthless way of stealing from the common taxpayer then Napoleon the pig and his dogs need to be brought down. Snowball come take your reign and save the farm animals. I am not the one to point fingers as I have weaved my way out of it with animal farm metaphors but we all know the elephant in the room. There are so many hints one can drop, but I hope you catch my drift? I am usually the optimist, always hoping for the best despite the monstrous atrocities we face, but today I snapped out of it. Listen, I am tired of being a pawn, I have kids who depend on me and I hate to let them down. So last night the man walked in and threw his feet on the couch. Long day? ‘We need to get outta here’ he had that Hercules thing; you know the whole I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Exhausted. I thought of South Africa, ahem no. I don’t want to end up as top merchandise for a human trafficking syndicate. Zambia could be a start, I hear a lot about the economic growth spurt. I don’t know. We sat there in silence and thought about the future.
It is like the curse of the withered hand, money vanishes every time you touch it. The economy in this little landlocked country is scrapping at the bottom of the barrel. With the way the economy is free-falling, I might not be able to afford data very soon. Maybe this is my last blog! I am just glad that the prices of wine haven’t gone up; at least I can wake up shit faced with my face down on the front yard lawn.

24 thoughts on “The Shitty Teapot Shaped Country

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  1. AH, loved this. Well written, as we laugh hysterically identifying with every word. We have been expats for 12 years, in remote sh…holes in Mozambique, Malawi and Tanzania….the money disappears even faster in those countries…only saving grace, remote: cant buy the luxury of yoghurt or knickknacks, so you dream of that supermarket with CHOICE, while you save the pennies. Then go bananas when you see a supermarket with stocked shelves…until the prices slap you in the face! So where to next ?

    1. The plight of living in tried world countries. I wasn’t made for this, I don’t know what we can do except leave the damn country, because I don’t see any changes anytime soon. It’s like we are stuck in a limbo. Welp!

  2. On point. Except the crippity crap supermarket folks have now upped the shock horror price of wine. Time to lose our sh**.

    1. Thank you Mrs. Strawberry, we are still deciding about the place to relocate. The price for wine went up yesterday, we are definitely skipping the country!

  3. Great article read from Dubai where I have been living for 13 years – was thinking of returning home to take care of my aging Mum but may have to think again. Good luck

  4. This saddens me so much and I hope you and others like you get out while you can. By the way i have never read anything so well written I was laughing inside but at the same time crying for all my fellow Zimbabweans from the country of my birth. ? for you all x

    1. Thank you, humour is a coping mechanism?? We all have a flicker of hope that one day Zim would get better, but we must waste our lives because of a flicker of hope. I love my country but this is too much.
      Thanks for reading Zambezi Internet stranger ?

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