The Urn of an Ignoble Woman

“Never allow yourself to be so desperate that you end up settling for far less than you deserve”

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. Cues sappy, high-drama love ballad. I wipe a lone tear while looking out the window watching the steady drizzle of rain. Slowly sinking into weepy introspection.Just kidding! Just. Kidding. I couldn’t even keep a straight face while I typed the intro of ‘Days of Our Lives’ theme song. I must admit they impressively captured the voice of God.
Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend and I realised this was our last conversation in this lifetime. We have been friends for over five years but as I sat in her living room listening to her talk, I felt tired and a tad bit depressed. What happened to this girl? She used to be so confident and sure of herself. I mean that is why we became friends. Looking at her now: a vindictive, low self esteemed woman drowning in self pity. On this particular day she had invited me for one of her juicy updates. Why did I come here, I should have given her a lame excuse. I am sorry i can’t come, I just got sprayed by a skunk. My dog is having a mental breakdown.At the emergency room, fell off the bed and broke my nose. But there I was, painfully listening to her depressing stories and damn near  to slitting my wrists.
We met freshman year at college, she was my roommate although she was in her final year. Claire taught me a lot of things, loopholes and held me down through trying times. She was beautiful, tall, and had an immense amount of boobage. We were kindred spirits. Two peas in a pod. After college we maintained our friendship and kept in touch. It all started when she sent me this crazy message:
Claire: I just had my first one night stand! 
Me: omg Claire, did you use protection?😦
Claire: no
Me: Why? You have to get morning after pills. When did you start being this reckless though?
Claire: Don’t worry, if i get pregnant i will just get married. Look i am 28years, time is not on my side so it won’t be such a bad thing
Me: Married to who? What are you on about? 

This is when the Claire train derailed. I went to her workplace later that day. I literally stormed in her office.” Have you lost your mind?!” I barked at her. With an odd coy smile she responded, ” Well hello to you too.” I wasn’t having it, “What is this nonsense? One night stand? You not giving a damn about a possibility of getting pregnant? And, and marriage? I mean…” Words eluded me.”You are still young and supple you wouldn’t understand the pressure” she calmly said. I was astonished. Who is her drug dealer? What the hell is he giving her? “28 years is not old Claire and you want to have a strangers baby? A marriage off a one night stand? Are you high?” I searched her face hoping she would break into laughter and tell me that she was pulling my leg. But she didn’t.
Just as I feared,Claire fell pregnant. She went on a man hunt for the mystery man and trailed him back to the bar, where they first met. Doug, was his name. The man was married, wanted nothing to do with her and doubted the legitimacy of her pregnancy. “So what are you going to do?” I asked her while we enjoyed a hearty meal at O’ Hagens. “He has to marry me, I have told my family to wait for the date for lobola” she actually said these words with a dead pan serious face. ” He is married and from where I am sitting he pretty much made it crystal clear he wants nothing to do with you and the baby” I said bluntly. I am a very straight forward person. I say things as they are. I don’t dance about the bush.” I will be his second wife” she said matter of factly. I almost choked on my food. ” Why would you want that? And what makes you think he would even agree to that?! I looked at her in bewilderment. Surely this woman could not be this stupid! ” I am seeing a n’anga (witch doctor) everything is being sorted” she quietly said while toying with her really really dry weave. This beautiful, educated, independent YOUNG woman spewing such horse crap. Wow. I didn’t see this one coming. 
” Do not conform to societal standards and rob yourself a chance to true happiness.”

 28 years and a girl feels the pressure of getting married from a regressive society. This girl is long, triple and high jumping into this mess just to get hitched? Is marriage really that important? To throw away ones life like this? To bring a new life into this? Okay!9 months later she gave birth to a beautiful daughter. Doug disappeared from the face of the earth and she inadvertently became a single mother.
Now you would think that the she learnt her lesson. 3 years later Claire started seeing a married man. “I am in love!” She beamed at me. “He is married have some dignity” I said to her not amused by this at all. “He is going to leave his wife, he just needs time” She said. I rolled my eyes way back I almost fell blind. “Look here, you are 31 one years old and you still eat that shit up? C’mon Claire. We both know he ain’t leaving his wife for you” dammit I should have bit my tongue because she glared at me and spewed the venom. ” You are such a know it all! So what if he is married! You don’t understand that I am a 31 year old single mum, nobody wants me! I am lucky to even get the attention of this man. Can’t you understand!” Whoa,whoa hold up. Is this how she sees herself? “Claire, you are gorgeous, a great mum, independent and you deserve way more than this” I said in a consoling tone. I really wanted her to believe me. ” These married men won’t do you good sweetheart. They will tell you they be having problems with the wife, talk about leaving her but they are all  lies. You deserve better” she was sobbing. I got to her. Thank God. “I am single mother” she whispered between sobs. ” There is nothing wrong with being a single mother. Girl you ain’t never heard of the term MILF? Men all over the world will kill for ya” then we burst into laughter. Its going to be alright. So I thought. 
“Be proud of being a single mother! You are the queens of this world. Single moms have a heart of gold, and a backbone of steel.”

6 months later Claire fell pregnant with the married man. ” What happened to contraception Claire?” I inquired from her. “Oh I removed my loop last September” she casually said. “Why?!” I pressed on. This woman was the queen of self sabotage. “Because he told me that if I have his baby he will make me his second wife” she responded looking at me like she was making sense. ” omg Claire will you ever learn? ” I felt hopeless. I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and say, you is smart, you is kind, you is important and THERE IS AN ENTIRE WORLD OF SINGLE MEN WHO WOULD LOVE YOU AND RESPECT YOU. 
“The cycle of the love affair with a married man almost always ends in broken hearts, hurt, and wasted time.”

When shit got real and hit the fan the married man backed out. Leaving Claire 6 months pregnant and flapping in the breeze. He even went on to call her a whore and demanded for paternity tests.She gave birth to a baby boy. ” I just gave birth to this beautiful baby but I am sad, Dave did not even bother to come or even call” Claire looked at me for reassurance. ” Hey, screw men, you got me, okay?” I said to her. She got born again shortly afterwards and talked about a life of celibacy. Well I was glad she was finding her way and not orbiting around getting a man.  I don’t understand why some women believe that marriage is everything. Going around acting desperate for men? Beats me!
“Marriage is a beautiful and amazing journey but ladies,  need to stop seeing it as a goal or accomplishment, because it’s neither of those things.”

So why was I sitting there listening to Claire and telling myself that this was our last conversation ever? “Maka, I met a guy. Yes he is married but wait! Before you judge me. He is leaving his wife, for real because….” I didn’t listen to the rest of her story. I was tired. While she rambled on, I mentally started planning on the wonderful meal that I was going to cook for hubby that night. Mmmm I should get more diapers for Malik. Oh, I need to call my assistant to collect the agency brochures. I am basically done with Claire. Bye Claire.
“Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change.”

0 thoughts on “The Urn of an Ignoble Woman

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        1. She is beyond repair, out of our five year relationship, I have spent four years trying to make her see her self worth. I am tired.

  1. That was a difficult post to read, being a parent myself. Hope that she can find happiness independent of the cultural pressures she faces. ?

  2. Wow this sounds like a horror story. And it’s sad that this is the case for so many women in this world – unappreciative of their value and worth. You definitely gave her enough years of service/friendship! You never know, time away might make her value you more and your wise words. It’s a shame she became born again and still didn’t understand her worth. I’d have hoped her church family could support her too. Keep praying for her!!

    1. Very true, its sad because her family have shunned her away. All I can do is pray for her. That is all. Thank you for reading 🙂

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